Before You Break Up Listen To This

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow created headlines and a new catchphrase when they decided to ‘consciously uncouple’. But what does that really mean? Breakups don’t have to leave you broken. Could it be possible to leave a loved one whilst leaving you both elevated and ready for all the new opportunities and growth that awaits? In this episode I share my own experiences from unconsciously uncoupling to separating with ease and grace, plus the one BIG question you must be clear on before you take the leap.

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Today’s’ show is another topic I have been sitting with for a while to make sure I am super clear on what I have to say because it’s something I am asked about all the time and I know just what a big step it is to separate from a romantic partner.

If you are new to this show, please first check out some of my previous episodes because there may be some answers in there for you already which may change your perception of the relationship you are in, and consciously uncoupling may not even be what you need right now.

These episodes I am going to recommend to you are really about getting very clear on the role you are playing and having the knowledge to see what is really going on for you and your partner.

For the fellas listening, it can feel at times like there are insurmountable issues in your relationship that you can’t seem to overcome, but so often it’s actually us, the men, who are lacking some simple understandings and insights about the masculine that can take your relationship from feeling impossible to full of possibility. I have seen it so many times.

So first, please listen to episode 62, How To Be A Superior Man. Do the work on yourself first, understand your role as the masculine, and put these things into practice before you point the finger at the relationship failing.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, also listen to…

We have to remember that relationships are the single most incredible opportunity for growth. When you say “I do” or commit to someone for life, you are actually taking a massive step towards reaching your full potential in this lifetime. But it can go the other way too. Relationships can also be used as an excuse for us to become lazy. I am speaking from experience. I have been comfortable in relationships before, and totally dropped the ball. I didn’t show up for my partners and as a result those relationships came to an end.

In my first marriage I did my best. I thought I was showing up, but really I was flying blind because I didn’t have the knowledge to navigate the ups and downs that all relationships are faced with. I got better as time went on, but it wasn’t until I met Melissa where I finally felt I knew how to show up for myself and for our relationship.

But we also need to remember that life is always going to present itself to you in equal amounts of support and challenge. The trick is not to see the challenge as the end of the world. If you believe that love is all ups and fewer downs, then you are essentially living in a fantasy world which is set up to disappoint you.

No matter where you are at right now, I invite you to make a choice to see your relationship for its ultimate purpose; as a vehicle to ignite your brilliance and a tool for seeing the beautiful balance that the universe has orchestrated for us to realise our potential and always see us grow.

There is no greater elixir than love.

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Before we dive into how to consciously uncouple, we have to ask ourselves one very big question….

Is it the relationship that needs to end, or is it the relationship with ourselves that really needs the work?

Not every relationship is meant to last forever, but I wonder how many marriages are ended at a time when they were so close to having a breakthrough, had they just known a few key concepts?

Let’s look at unity. When you met your partner, how much unity was there? By unity, I mean core values. Were your core values aligned then and are they aligned now? As I said in my episode, Are Expectations Ruining Your Life? we have to first stop projecting our core values onto our partner and let them live by their own. That’s one thing you can guarantee in life, people will always live by their core values, not yours. And if their values are not aligned with yours, then you either accept it and continue to work on it together, or if that does not work, you leave. We only get disappointed by our partners when we have unmet unrealistic expectations.

There is so much that can be done individually in a relationship first before you make the decision to leave. For instance, if the man has no mission, then you better get one quick smart because the feminine will lose trust in you very quickly. The woman falls in love with the man and the mission. That doesn’t mean you have to be the biggest earner in the house or have massive goals, it just means the masculine has to be firm in his path. The feminine is always seeking direction from the masculine.

If you are a woman with a man who has lost his mission, first hold space for him to find it. Ladies, it’s totally ok for a man to enter a period of unknown and uncertainty. He needs the space for a new vision or purpose to emerge. That does not mean he can sit around doing nothing all day. He has to be doing the inner work. The feminine needs to see he is doing the work to recalibrate his path, otherwise the trust erodes and she loses interest.

If there is no mission, there is no security. The financial security does not have to come from the man, but the minute the feminine feels her man is floundering, she no longer feels safe and secure.

The same goes for sex. If there is no lovemaking, there is no trust. Combine lack of lovemaking and lack of security, and I can guarantee that relationship will be on very rocky ground.

The feminine will constantly test the masculine with her moods and emotions. That’s our challenge as men to step up and show her that you’ve got this! Don’t close off and hope she stops testing you. She won’t. Testing is a sign of a good woman.

And ladies, the masculine also has needs. He needs his feminine to show up too. He needs polarity. If you are able to step out of your masculine and into your feminine on a daily basis. If you are able to soften and really show up for him, he will give you so much. He just needs to feel the softness of his woman again. The rules apply to same-sex relationships. There is always polarity between masculine and feminine.

Ok, so let’s pretend you have listened to all the recommended episodes, you have done the work and you are feeling sure that it is time to end a relationship. It happens. As I said, not every relationship is forever. The only thing that is truly forever is love.

So then, how do you consciously uncouple?

It comes down to love and communication. When I separated from my long-term partner before Melissa, we had a beautiful conversation, made an agreement, made love and started to unwind our lives. We also sent an email to our friends and family. It was our way of wrapping a nice bow around our time together and letting everyone know we were ok.

I have tweaked parts of this and removed names for privacy, but left the core message intact so you can see how uncoupling can be done and the feeling you can leave for those around you and for yourselves. You don’t have to do this, but for us it felt true. I will call my partner at the time Sarah Smith so that you can follow along:

Hey everyone,

It has been a big few weeks for us.

Last night we shared a life-changing moment where we talked openly about where each of us are at right now and what we both feel we need to accomplish. The easy way forward for us would have been the usual path – babies and marriage. But deep down both of us knew that before any of that can happen, there is still an individual journey we need to go on.

Sarah has always wanted to live and work overseas. I have always wanted to realise my full potential as a musician. The time for that to happen is now.

Our relationship feels like the most inspiring of romances. Everything about us from the way we got together, to how successfully we have navigated some very challenging times, and to just how we feel about each other day in and day out. There is nothing wrong, in fact everything is right with us.

We love each other deeply and support each other in everything we do which is why we have decided to let each other go. The greatest gift we can give is to let our love for each other propel us into the world so we may experience the fullest version of ourselves.

That is true love.

What this all means exactly we do not know. It is going to be one day at a time for us, and we are not going to project too far into the future.

The other great love affair in this story is of course Leo and Sarah. As a father I have been so incredibly lucky to have such a beautiful woman come into our lives at a time where we both really needed it. In a way, Sarah saved us. I am so deeply grateful to Sarah and for all the joy she has given us.

For the Smith family, the same is true. You accepted us both into your family and have been an incredible rock. Leo and I have felt so much love and acceptance from you all. Thank you.

And of course, deep gratitude to my amazing family. Leo and I are so lucky. We love you all.

I am sure you will appreciate how hard this is for us to do. While it is a mature and conscious decision sprung from deep respect and devotion to each other, it is still going to present some challenges which will be made easier by your continued support.

I am so proud of us :)

Love Nick.

Can you feel that? I even ended up writing a song of gratitude for her called ‘Thank You’ which I played at the beginning of this episode and will play at the end.

As I said, it comes down to love and communication. In these tough moments of separation, we need to create a safe space where we can truly feel our partner and they truly feel us. Nothing good will come from being angry or closed. Remember how much you loved or still love this person. We have the opportunity to honour that in the way we leave each other.

There may be many hurdles to face after that initial thrust that removes you from each others lives, but if you can anchor that moving forward in the feeling you created at the moment of separation, then you will always know how to come back to the middle. Come back to your heart. See each other as the teacher, not tormentor.

Create a love bubble, literally. Express to your partner that you would like to have some time to share with them and express freely. You want to inoculate that bubble with as much love as possible to open the heart.

Sit facing each other, holding hands, possibly a beautiful song you both love playing in the background. Ask them if now is a good time to connect. If they agree, ask them to please listen to you while you hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, and to just listen without any comments or interruption. Tell them you will let them know when you have finished sharing and that you will then sit and listen to them for as long as they need to share as well. You have set up the space for safety now because they know they will be heard. We all want to be heard.

Try to continue this practice until you both have gone back and forward to the point where you feel closure around the conversation. It may bring you back together or it may be that final beautiful moment that you can look back on with love and total respect for each other.

Creating this anchor point will be so powerful. There will most likely be grieving, possibly some anger, but just keep coming back to that moment and remind each other of what you have shared and how you felt in that love bubble.

When we do separate from a loved one, the key is to always see your ex-lover as a teacher.

I would love to hear from you, so please tag me @iamnickbroadhurst on social media. Please also leave me a comment below (I read every single one!). And if you could take a minute to leave me a review on iTunes I would be very grateful. Tell me what you want more of! I am at your service.

P.S. Always listen to your intuition (and your doctor or practitioner) before trying any new health or lifestyle practice.

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